Hawaii vs. Virginia Beach

Somehow, I forgot to sign up to volunteer in the cafeteria this week but never fear, I always have a few funnies written down that don't make it into my other blogs for one reason or another.  It is Friday.  It has been a long week and everyone needs a little comic relief to start their weekend off right so here it goes:

I ask a second grader if she did anything fun over the summer.  She thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Well, we did go to Hawaii, oh, AND we went to Virginia Beach!"  She emphasizes Virginia Beach in a very excited tone.  

I reply, "Wow!  Which one did you like better?"  

"Oh, Virginia Beach (as she looks at me with her head tilted like that's a dumb question).  We got cherry snow cones there." 

(Note to parents:  DO NOT spend thousands of dollars to take your children to Hawaii.  Instead, take them to Virginia beach and buy them a snow cone. Then, fly to Hawaii without them.)

Approaching a table of rowdy boys I notice a bunch of trash on the floor.  I eye one boy suspecting he is the culprit and ask, "Do you throw your trash on the floor at home?"  

Long pause and with a smirky look on his face.  "Well, yeah.  I mean, sometimes."  

(Cue long lecture from Mrs. Garmon on cleaning up after yourself and respecting our dedicated cafeteria workers)  I briefly consider going old school on him and dragging him back to do some pot washing in the school's kitchen but I'm pretty sure that would be taking it too far.  

Disclaimer:  gross stuff coming up.....stop reading now if you are the squeamish type.

4th grader and her girl friend are raising their hands intently.  As I approach the girls, one of them mumbles with a mouth full of .....something and her hand half way covering her mouth, "Can I pwese haf a nakin?"  Realizing that she wants to spit out whatever is in her mouth I hurriedly give her several napkins.  I back slowly away as she commences to spit out a huge chunks of partially chewed egg roll and one giant bloody molar.  She spits so forcefully that her poor girlfriend is sprayed with bits of egg roll and blood.  I send them both to the nurse for a more thorough cleaning and make peace with the fact that I can no longer eat egg rolls without this scene of carnage appearing in my mind.  Oh well, I didn't really like them that much anyway.

A 3rd grade girl says to me apprehensively, "I think I found a worm in my fruit cup."  Peering closely I examine her fruit cup and find what is most definitely a white worm attached to a small chunk of fruit.  I say, "Yes, that is a worm and I think it's still alive."  At this point all the boys at the table perk up and want to see it.  I give the girl permission to throw it away.  As she is walking to the trashcan she says, "OMG, that is so gross.  I told my mom not to shop there."  

Carrying her denuded corn dog to the trash can at arms length I stop a girl to ask her why she is throwing it away.  Her reply, "I've never eaten a green hot dog before.  Have you?"  nuf said.

 

Boy Scout Frenzy

It's that time of year again.  The time of year, where I strap on my strong stomach and turn on my listening ears for the crazy funny things coming out of our kid's mouths in our cafeteria.  This year at Watkins we have a new principal.  In her effort to be welcoming to outside organizations she has allowed the Boy Scouts of America into our cafeteria for a little information session/pep rally during lunch today (something our last principal would not allow).  You might think that this was a good idea. You would be wrong. 

 

I know that this is going to be controversial (sorry Jo Rae) and I have nothing specifically against the Boy Scouts (well maybe just a skosh, but this isn't that type of blog).  Today in the cafeteria, the Boy Scouts did what they aimed to do.  They got their flyers out, they got the kids REALLY excited about the concept of scouting, and I guarantee that hundreds of kids will go home and tell their parents about the meeting Thursday night in the cafeteria.  I'm sure that the Boy Scouts will get lots of new recruits.  The only problem was that this little speech and all the flyers with cool pictures on it got the kids worked up into a near frenzy. Instead of eating their lunches, they were all shouting about whether or not they were going to join the Boy Scouts.  It also left them with all kinds of questions. Instead of fielding my usual questions such as "Can I have a spork?" and "Am I allowed to put ketchup on my pickles?"  I was faced with burning questions about Boy Scouts which I was ill prepared to answer.  

The following is a list of my favorites: 

"Do you have to get bit by a black widow spider in order to join?" 

 "Is there scuba diving involved?" 

 "If it is over night, can I bring my mommy?" 

 "Will we get to race elephants?" 

 and my all time favorite, "Can we go to this boy scout thing instead of going to school everyday?"  

The boys were lost in their fantasies about all the adventures they were going to have as boy scouts and the girls were looking at each other in a confused sort of way, like, what gives?  During this time of hand raising and general loudness, the one thing I did not see a whole lot of was eating.  I know that I am paranoid about this kind of thing.  My kids have slight frames and they get on the bus at 9 and off the bus at 4:20.  This is a long time and I just worry that during the measily 25 minutes that they have to eat their lunch (at least 10 of these minutes is wasted on getting seated, chatting, and opening things) a seemingly innocuous speech about boy scouting can really throw the whole thing off.   Both of my kids came home with nearly full lunch boxes and in bad moods.  

In addition to the added mayhem and the lack of eating, I felt kind of badly for the girls.  They came away from the whole experience a bit confused to say the least.   Well, what about us?  We want to learn about snake venom and eat marsh mallows the size of our heads around the campfire until the wee hours of the night, too!  The speaker did say something a kin to (and I'm paraphrasing here) Girl Scouts did fun things like that, too, but today we are talking abut the Boy Scouts.  I'm not sure if there is a similar thing scheduled for the Girl Scouts but I suspect that there isn't.  In the spirit of fairness, I think there should be but I hope I know about it in advance so I can make sure that I'm not on the schedule for lunch buddy duty that day!

Not the one

Approaching a boy with a seriously angry face I ask, "What's the matter?" 
He points to his lunch box on the floor under the cafeteria table and starts shouting  "My lunch is crushed to pieces!  I can't eat it like that." 
Trying to speak calmly I say, "That's too bad.  How did it get that way?" 
Still shouting: "Because I pummeled it over and over!" 
In my best counselor voice I say, "It sounds to me like someone is angry today."
He replies, "Yeah, my teacher is."

Dating advice overheard from a 5th grader to a Kindergartener:  "If a boy tries to kiss you at Chick Fil-A he's probably not the one."

A very excited Kindergarten boy says to me,
"Celia's mom, guess what?!" 
"What?" I say with my most excited expression.
"My mom is going to have a sister!" 
"Wow," I say.  "Your mom is having a sister?"
Long silent pause with perplexed look on his face....."No wait.  I'm going to have a baby!"
Another long pause. 
Head tilt from me, "Really?" 
Lost of giggling from the girls around him and then one shouts out "His mom is having a baby girl!"
Boy smiling in relief and nodding his head in agreement. 

Boy with a panicky look on his face, one hand raised in the air and the other hidden under the table. 
"Yes," I say. "What are you hiding under the table?" 
"I'm not hiding anything.  My finger is stuck!" 
Me: "What?  That's redic.....Oh my goodness your finger IS stuck."  (Somehow this boy had jammed his finger between a bar and the table)
"That lady told me it was gonna get stuck but I didn't believe her!"  (nothing a bit of ketchup can't fix)

Walking up to a boy who had spilled water right on his crotch.  With a sheepish grin he says, "Can I have a few napkins?"  I hand him the napkins, look at his water bottle and say.  "Probably wasn't such a great idea to try and jam two huge grapes into your water bottle, huh?"
"I know, right? Now I look like I peed myself." 

A boy struggling with (and by struggling with I mean licking vigorously) a green and blue fruit leather snack which appears fused to it's plastic layer asks me,  "Can you peel this off here for me?"
I just look at him and say, "I'm sorry but I have my limits.  You are on your own with that one." 

The award for the least nutritious lunch goes to a lucky boy in 2nd grade.  A Nutella sandwich on white bread, a snowball (which he explained was a rounded cupcake with frosting and sweet coconut on the outside), spicy Doritos, and a fruit punch drink. 

Third grader tells me proudly, "I wore my athletic cup to school today and dared 3 kids to punch me in the nuts!  I only had one taker though."

Back to School

The cafeteria is hopping today with post Spring break, heavily sugared kids.  Nearly all of the kids have chocolate or candy of some kind in their lunches.  One little girl's lunch consists of two mini snickers bars, a package of chocolate pop-tarts and a strawberry milk (for variety's sake I assume).

I ask a little boy what he did over Spring break.  "Oh, I went to Mi-Maw and Po-Po's.  They have a goat named Sniffles."

Another little girl answers in a surprisingly disheartened tone, "I played with my cousins the whole week." "That sounds exciting," I say.  "Not really. They only live around the corner and last year we went to Disney."

When a little boy hears me asking about Spring break he gestures with a wave of his arm and shouts out in a sing-songy voice (a la Oprah Winfrey introducing a guest)  "Myyyy beach house had an elevatoooooooorrrrrrr!"

I ask a Kindergarten girl if she did anything fun over break.
"Yeah, we went to see Mount Vernon!"
"Oh, George Washington's house. That is exciting.  What was your favorite thing about Mount Vernon?"
"The toilets."

A little girl with a very elaborate hairdo approaches me on the way back to her table.  "Ummm....." and then she pauses for a bit.
"Can I help you with something?" I ask.
She blurts out in an almost desperate voice, "The water in that fountain is too cold for my mouth."
Just to mess with her I say, "Oh, that must be because you drank out of the "colder" fountain.  The one on the other side is much more tepid."
She walks away looking confused.

Approaching two rowdy boys who cannot keep their hands to themselves, I catch the eye of a girl observing them.  After I tell them to cut it out the little girl says, "Yeah, and tell them to stop talking about beer and butts, too."
So I do.

A 3rd grade boy is studying the labels on the back of his chips and fruit snacks.  Thinking that this is perhaps an epiphany moment for him and he is just beginning to realize all the chemicals and artificial stuff that is in his processed food snacks, I say to him, "I know. Scary, isn't it?"
"Yes!" her replies, "I mean all my food has it's own Facebook account and my mom won't let ME get a Facebook account!"

March 21st Oh Baloney

After two weeks of sick kids I was finally able to get back into the Cafeteria.  The kids seem pretty hyped up because of the nice weather and the official start to Spring. 

Says a little boy with concern, "In the bathroom outside of Chinese class there are a whole lot of cuss words written on the wall.  Don't worry, though, I don't look at them because I have to aim at the toilet."

Approaching a Kindergarten girl with her arm bent over her head I ask, "Can I help you with something?"

 "Oh I wasn't raising my hand I was just stretching my triceps." 

Today I noticed several notes in kids lunches.  This is so sweet and I see this a lot, but what struck me today was that most of the notes were from Dads.  I say to a Kindergartener, "Oh, you got a note today from your Daddy."  She replied, "Yeah, Daddy puts a note in my lunch everyday and I save them all in my treasure box at home."    Precious.  (note to self: encourage John to write notes to the kids)

Here's a question I've never encountered until today: "Can I go to the office to call my mom cause I don't like to chew sandwiches?"  
Me, after a long pause, "Seriously?"  After explaining to her that you can't go to the office to call your parent just because you don't like your lunch, the little girl stares up at me with a look of frustration and says, "No, you don't understand.  I .....don't .....like ....this cheese!"  

Kindergarten boy motions for me to lean in and he wisper-spits in my ear: "A girl in Miss ------'s class is in love with me and my cousin.  I don't know what I'm gonna do."

Boy with two partially eaten slices of baloney plastered on his face.  As I approach him one falls to the floor.  "Well, that's what happens when you play with your baloney."  Then I bust out laughing.  Did I really just say that?  

"My mom says I'm high maintenance."
Me:  "She's right.  Stop raising your hand, already."

February 25,2014

I start off Lunch Buddy duty today with having to say this: "Repeat after me: I will not slap my neighbor in the face repeatedly with my string cheese."

Highly distracted looking kindergartner is trying to convince me to take him to the bathroom. Normally, I have no problem taking a little one to the bathroom, but this guy's expression and mannerisms were screaming, "I want to chat with ALL of my friends!"  After dragging him away from 3 attempted conversations he finally makes it into the boys bathroom. 5 long minutes later he comes out. "Did you wash your hands?" I say.  "No, but I lied to you. (creeping smile) I didn't really go to the bathroom when I was in there."  Then he hustles back to his table while I say under my breath, "Fool me once.....!"

Indignant 1st grader: "That is not the Cat in the Hat. That's our gym teacher. Who does he think he's fooling? Those whiskers are drawn on his face!!!"

Hmm, Patrick is a no show at lunch. His classmates tell me that he was just finishing something up in art class. Knowing that Patrick is very passionate about his 'artistic process', this doesn't surprise me at all. The kids don't have much time to eat though, and I am concerned he won't have time to get some food in his stomach. This will surely cause a cascade of terrible events to occur. Kind of like that commercial where the guy gets tackled by the lowland gorilla. Trying to mask my inner helicopter parent, I approach his teacher and calmly mention my concerns to her. Not 15 seconds later, I spy Patrick meandering down the hall.

So, here is why I like Patrick's teacher.  She just really gets him. She knows he loves art, and she knows that he can be moody.  She knows he has a different sense of time and that he has a great sense of humor.  She knows that he's creative and quirky and that he is really comfortable with his own quirkiness. Instead of saying anything too harsh or overreacting, she quips, "Alright, Patrick, get to lunch now. There's plenty of time to be a starving artist later in your life."  Perfect.  Love that lady.  

A Short Introduction

To those of you who do not know me, my name is Elaine Garmon and I'm a 41 year old mom of three awesome kids.  Elise is 11, Patrick is 9, and Celia is 6.  About a year ago I started writing (on Facebook) about my experiences volunteering as a "lunch buddy" in the cafeteria of my children's school.   I called my posts 'Quotes from the Cafeteria.'  I began to get a lot of positive feedback from my Facebook friends telling me that they loved my posts and even looked forward to my stories and quotes.  I felt pretty good about that because normally it's just my mom saying these things.  I even had a few people tell me that I should write a book (totally overwhelming), make a calendar (less daunting, but not really my thing), or start a blog (bingo!).

Let me start by filling you in on the job description of a lunch buddy. I know it's hard to believe, but being a lunch buddy is not as glamorous as some of you may think.  It is not a job for the faint of heart nor the weak of stomach.  The primary function of a lunch buddy is to walk around the cafeteria opening things for children who cannot open them. The most important attributes of a successful lunch buddy, therefore, are strong hands (the larger and more man-like the better), a good pair of scissors, and the aforementioned strong stomach.  

I began volunteering because I knew that the cafeteria was over crowded and the PTA was in need of volunteers.  I found that I really liked volunteering in the cafeteria and interacting with the kids. I almost always leave the cafeteria laughing to myself or shaking my head in wonder.  It is a cliche to say that kids say the funniest things, but as you may know, it's very true.  In my opinion, kids are hysterical, complex, witty, strange, and uninhibited beings.  They make me laugh and they make me consider things I have never considered before.  I believe that we can learn a lot from them if we take the time to listen (what's that, Elise?  Not now honey, I'm writing my blog).

Becoming a lunch buddy is also a great way to get to know the school through its most important people, the students.   Often, I notice patterns and themes arising in the cafeteria, whether it be a lots of spills day, or a rowdy, can't keep my hands off my neighbor day, or even a "I have to go to the bathroom NOW!" day.   Some days it seems like all the kids are talking about a newly released movie or a new fad (rainbow loom for example) and for some reason there are those days where there seems to be a disproportionate amount of tears (my least favorite kind of day).   It is always changing and there are rarely dull moments.

So here it is.  I can't promise that I'll only write about cafeteria duty, but I can promise that when I do I will always keep the kids and teachers as anonymous as possible.  Except for you, Mrs. Burnette.  I'm spilling it all ;)  Seriously though, all children's names are changed or simply not used.   My own three children will not be kept anonymous, as much as they wish that were the case.  I consider it a parental duty to help them see the funny in their worlds, while stopping short of total public humiliation.  My intention for this blog is for it to be a funny, positive look at what goes on with our kids every day in the cafeteria.  What they say, what they think, what they wear, what they drop on the floor and then pick up and put in their mouths.   I hope you enjoy it and I hope it helps you to see the funny in your world, too.

-Elaine