March 21st Oh Baloney

After two weeks of sick kids I was finally able to get back into the Cafeteria.  The kids seem pretty hyped up because of the nice weather and the official start to Spring. 

Says a little boy with concern, "In the bathroom outside of Chinese class there are a whole lot of cuss words written on the wall.  Don't worry, though, I don't look at them because I have to aim at the toilet."

Approaching a Kindergarten girl with her arm bent over her head I ask, "Can I help you with something?"

 "Oh I wasn't raising my hand I was just stretching my triceps." 

Today I noticed several notes in kids lunches.  This is so sweet and I see this a lot, but what struck me today was that most of the notes were from Dads.  I say to a Kindergartener, "Oh, you got a note today from your Daddy."  She replied, "Yeah, Daddy puts a note in my lunch everyday and I save them all in my treasure box at home."    Precious.  (note to self: encourage John to write notes to the kids)

Here's a question I've never encountered until today: "Can I go to the office to call my mom cause I don't like to chew sandwiches?"  
Me, after a long pause, "Seriously?"  After explaining to her that you can't go to the office to call your parent just because you don't like your lunch, the little girl stares up at me with a look of frustration and says, "No, you don't understand.  I .....don't .....like ....this cheese!"  

Kindergarten boy motions for me to lean in and he wisper-spits in my ear: "A girl in Miss ------'s class is in love with me and my cousin.  I don't know what I'm gonna do."

Boy with two partially eaten slices of baloney plastered on his face.  As I approach him one falls to the floor.  "Well, that's what happens when you play with your baloney."  Then I bust out laughing.  Did I really just say that?  

"My mom says I'm high maintenance."
Me:  "She's right.  Stop raising your hand, already."

February 25,2014

I start off Lunch Buddy duty today with having to say this: "Repeat after me: I will not slap my neighbor in the face repeatedly with my string cheese."

Highly distracted looking kindergartner is trying to convince me to take him to the bathroom. Normally, I have no problem taking a little one to the bathroom, but this guy's expression and mannerisms were screaming, "I want to chat with ALL of my friends!"  After dragging him away from 3 attempted conversations he finally makes it into the boys bathroom. 5 long minutes later he comes out. "Did you wash your hands?" I say.  "No, but I lied to you. (creeping smile) I didn't really go to the bathroom when I was in there."  Then he hustles back to his table while I say under my breath, "Fool me once.....!"

Indignant 1st grader: "That is not the Cat in the Hat. That's our gym teacher. Who does he think he's fooling? Those whiskers are drawn on his face!!!"

Hmm, Patrick is a no show at lunch. His classmates tell me that he was just finishing something up in art class. Knowing that Patrick is very passionate about his 'artistic process', this doesn't surprise me at all. The kids don't have much time to eat though, and I am concerned he won't have time to get some food in his stomach. This will surely cause a cascade of terrible events to occur. Kind of like that commercial where the guy gets tackled by the lowland gorilla. Trying to mask my inner helicopter parent, I approach his teacher and calmly mention my concerns to her. Not 15 seconds later, I spy Patrick meandering down the hall.

So, here is why I like Patrick's teacher.  She just really gets him. She knows he loves art, and she knows that he can be moody.  She knows he has a different sense of time and that he has a great sense of humor.  She knows that he's creative and quirky and that he is really comfortable with his own quirkiness. Instead of saying anything too harsh or overreacting, she quips, "Alright, Patrick, get to lunch now. There's plenty of time to be a starving artist later in your life."  Perfect.  Love that lady.  

A Short Introduction

To those of you who do not know me, my name is Elaine Garmon and I'm a 41 year old mom of three awesome kids.  Elise is 11, Patrick is 9, and Celia is 6.  About a year ago I started writing (on Facebook) about my experiences volunteering as a "lunch buddy" in the cafeteria of my children's school.   I called my posts 'Quotes from the Cafeteria.'  I began to get a lot of positive feedback from my Facebook friends telling me that they loved my posts and even looked forward to my stories and quotes.  I felt pretty good about that because normally it's just my mom saying these things.  I even had a few people tell me that I should write a book (totally overwhelming), make a calendar (less daunting, but not really my thing), or start a blog (bingo!).

Let me start by filling you in on the job description of a lunch buddy. I know it's hard to believe, but being a lunch buddy is not as glamorous as some of you may think.  It is not a job for the faint of heart nor the weak of stomach.  The primary function of a lunch buddy is to walk around the cafeteria opening things for children who cannot open them. The most important attributes of a successful lunch buddy, therefore, are strong hands (the larger and more man-like the better), a good pair of scissors, and the aforementioned strong stomach.  

I began volunteering because I knew that the cafeteria was over crowded and the PTA was in need of volunteers.  I found that I really liked volunteering in the cafeteria and interacting with the kids. I almost always leave the cafeteria laughing to myself or shaking my head in wonder.  It is a cliche to say that kids say the funniest things, but as you may know, it's very true.  In my opinion, kids are hysterical, complex, witty, strange, and uninhibited beings.  They make me laugh and they make me consider things I have never considered before.  I believe that we can learn a lot from them if we take the time to listen (what's that, Elise?  Not now honey, I'm writing my blog).

Becoming a lunch buddy is also a great way to get to know the school through its most important people, the students.   Often, I notice patterns and themes arising in the cafeteria, whether it be a lots of spills day, or a rowdy, can't keep my hands off my neighbor day, or even a "I have to go to the bathroom NOW!" day.   Some days it seems like all the kids are talking about a newly released movie or a new fad (rainbow loom for example) and for some reason there are those days where there seems to be a disproportionate amount of tears (my least favorite kind of day).   It is always changing and there are rarely dull moments.

So here it is.  I can't promise that I'll only write about cafeteria duty, but I can promise that when I do I will always keep the kids and teachers as anonymous as possible.  Except for you, Mrs. Burnette.  I'm spilling it all ;)  Seriously though, all children's names are changed or simply not used.   My own three children will not be kept anonymous, as much as they wish that were the case.  I consider it a parental duty to help them see the funny in their worlds, while stopping short of total public humiliation.  My intention for this blog is for it to be a funny, positive look at what goes on with our kids every day in the cafeteria.  What they say, what they think, what they wear, what they drop on the floor and then pick up and put in their mouths.   I hope you enjoy it and I hope it helps you to see the funny in your world, too.

-Elaine